4/52: Change

IMG_2352I did a lot of little things last week. I took this picture—simple, yes, (and blurry, my internalized Carl might add), but symbolic to me. I like it.

I also planted daffodil bulbs in the front yard, which might count toward creativity if we’re playing loose. I took more pictures. I thought a lot about writing, and then didn’t write anything. I thought about my half-finished painting but didn’t work on it.

I feel a little shuttered.

I ate empanadas and reread Under the Tuscan Sun for comfort, to regain a sense that life is full of simple pleasures if you’ll only be intentional enough to look for them. It helped.

But I’m having trouble motivating myself to take on one more thing I’ll probably be bad at… or not finish… which sounds incredibly Eeyoric written down like that but is still nonetheless true. I’m still not feeling very strong and shiny today.

Life is good, but the edges are rough. For starters, my entire body feels like pizza dough. Now I have never been a fitness fanatic or particularly obsessive about my body/weight/appearance, but it’s still a bit disconcerting to lose 10 pounds of fluid weight (yay!) and suddenly discover that your skin everywhere is loose (not yay. Like a million yays in reverse). With a nice layer of maternal fat that is pretty much a given—and healthy enough, as far as that goes—for pregnancy. But still not the body I remember or the body I’d like to find my way back to, and there’s not a whole lot to do about it 10 days postpartum. It just takes time.

And as much as Iris loves her baby brother, she’s feeling the changes in our family rhythms too. Yesterday when I was holding Oliver she bluntly pointed at him, made a sad grunt, and then pointed to his bouncy seat. Put him down. Be with me.

Well I did, and I’m getting better at accommodating two babies on my lap, but there are moments every day when I feel like I’m shortchanging one for the sake of the other. I did a mini photo session with Oliver today because he has a newborn-sized pumpkin hat and you don’t take those lightly, but I also had to cut it short when Iris wandered off glumly and the pounding noises from the other room became suspiciously loud.

Change is good, but sometimes change is hard too.

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One thought on “4/52: Change

  1. Iris really looks like you in this picture! Can’t wait to see the pumpkin hat, and I’m VERY glad you didn’t take it lightly! 🙂

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