Well, it would be nice to say I’ve been busy doing important things. Like writing that novel draft I’m supposed to have finished before March, but that would require actual writing and except for the occasional article I’m dashing off for work, I haven’t been doing too much of that lately.
Like almost zero.
I’ve been observing Significantly Less Important Priorities (SLIP), which has led me to decorate the abode for fall, and watch Bethenny Ever After (do NOT judge), and start working out again, and join a birth board online.
Mostly joining the birth board is what killed me.
It’s an online forum of women who are all due in March of 2012. There are almost seven thousand of us. It’s insane, but I’m learning a LOT of really important things.
Really Important Things (RIT)
- Do not get impregnated by a douchelord. This will cause significant problems later on. Examples of douchelordery include (but are not limited to) refusing to see or help support the child while INSISTING on your “right” to name the child; giving all the money your wife has saved for baby expenses to an alcoholic family member who “really needs” it; eating all of the household cheese.
- Have a rabid opinion about circumcision and be sure to mention it often. Never thought much about it? YOU ARE UNEDUCATED. Thought about it and decided one way or the other? YOU ARE STILL UNEDUCATED. Even threads that are ostensibly about vaginas WILL eventually get hijacked by a circumcision debate. The first time I gamely typed out my feelings on the subject. The second time I did it crankily. The third time I said, “actually, your assumption that circumcision = mutilation convinces me that any conversation between us would be pointless.” And the last time a thread got hijacked I just said, “And they’re off!!” As Darth Vader says, It’s better. This way.
- There are only two kinds of people in the world: aggressive and passive-aggressive. Nice people are just passive-aggressive people in camouflage. Aggressive people will tell you point blank when they disagree with you. Passive aggressive people will start spinoff threads about all those mean know it alls who are so judgmental. Well, and then there are the double winners who disagree point blank and then blog about it later. Woot.
- Hormones explain everything. Feeling emotional? Sad? Lonely? It’s hormones. It doesn’t have anything to do with being exhausted 24/7, throwing up like clockwork, being in pain, being hungry all the time, having your hands and feet swell up, being unable to participate in certain activities you used to really enjoy, waking up every two hours at night, knowing that NOTHING you do will make you feel better for at least 5 more months. Nope. It’s just women being hormonal. Hormones. How cute. Let’s have a good chuckle while I invalidate your life experience. Next!
- The time for cre8ive spelling is past. You can still name your child Breeaughnah Mohneeekwa (pronounced like “Jackson Scott”) if you want, but that ship has officially sailed. And the swim will be a cold one.