I rarely watch TV during the day. If I’m going to watch something—say while scrapbooking or doing stationary household chores like folding the laundry and ironing—I usually just watch something we own or can get through Netflix.
Yesterday, when clicking the TV over to our home system I saw the programming guide… and noticed that the Tyra show was all about kids who feel social pressure to be promiscuous.
I know. The topic is so overdone, right? Apparently we’re a society obsessed. They got me anyway. I clicked over and watched all of 8 minutes before I had to abandon.
I actually didn’t have any problem with the programming. I wasn’t expecting it to perfectly align with my particular set of beliefs and preferences, but I liked the basic values. When she was interviewed, one mother said she wanted to teach her daughters to value themselves and value their bodies, only sharing themselves sexually with men who love them and are committed to being with them for life.
The whole audience cheered.
That seems like an extremely healthy message to me—especially in light of the many kids who feel they have to have sexual experiences in order to “fit in” or be part of the club. Seems like it’s usually a safe bet to encourage kids to AVOID doing things that make them uncomfortable, or things they’re only doing to please someone else.
Well, then a teenaged couple that had been dating for a while were interviewed—she a virgin, he not. The guy started to choke up as he shared how much he loved his girlfriend, how much he hoped to marry her and spend the rest of his life with her… how scared he was sometimes that she would meet another virgin and have a connection with him, something he couldn’t give her. And that she would eventually leave him. Because he was tainted.
When faced with the crossroads of being sort of heartbroken or sort of infuriated, I generally go for infuriation. It’s easier for me to be mad than sad.
When did “being a virgin” become an identity?
I have more in common with people who like pugs than people who were virgins before marriage. I’ve never noticed a secret virgin connection, and I’ve definitely never struck up a conversation with virginity as a common ground. I don’t get it.
Well, let me rephrase that—I don’t like it. I do get it. I can imagine (barely) being in highschool and feeling a lot of sexual pressure and not belonging to the club and feeling like I need to form my own club of virgin power in order to exclude others as I have been excluded.
But when was that ever cool? More specifically, what genius thought that had anything to do with the values of common courtesy and grace?
I found it kind of heartbreaking to listen to that guy. Not because I thought his girlfriend was bad for remaining a virgin—good for her for choosing to live out her values—but because nobody bothered to explain to him that there is no secret virgin club. And having sexual experiences in your past doesn’t automatically determine your future.
I get so tired of all the conservative crap about sexuality. And I’m a conservative Christian. Conservative in this respect at least, because I do believe that if you’re going to be a Christian, say, the issue’s not really up for debate—for the Christian person, sex is for marriage. That being said, I’ve never been able to figure out why we continue to come up with scary sounding lies in order to back up our beliefs.
No, you don’t lose a little piece of your soul every time you have sex before marriage.
No, you won’t be tainted for life.
No, it won’t be an insurmountable factor in your future relationships. As somebody who dated both guys who were and weren’t virgins, let me just tell you the secret’s out: there is no difference. People are people. All of us have made mistakes. Some of them might even be sexual. The history of one’s genitals has almost zero correlation with one’s character, temperament, or personality.
The truth is that it’s just a tiny piece of the puzzle.
As a Christian, I wanted to honor my beliefs about sex in marriage. That was my choice—and my good fortune in dating people who respected me. But I didn’t get a gold star. God doesn’t love me more than anybody else. The general stability and happiness of my marriage has almost nothing to do with choices we made in our past—it has to do with choices we make in our present.
And it’s okay to choose things just because we choose them. We don’t have to put others down. We don’t have to justify our choices with statistics or scare stories. It’s okay to be who you are.
That’s my rant of the day.