Lately

In the last three months I have been:

  • talking less online and more to the people I see face to face
  • spending less time trying to win arguments (or, as polite people call them: discussions) and more time trying to understand why I feel so pressured to be right
  • drinking more hot beverages
  • reading nonfiction
  • enjoying the season, especially when that means baking pumpkin bread and eating donuts
  • learning to say “I love you too” when I hang up after talking with friends
  • exploring the central Californian coast
  • writing a novel that explores the nature of guilt and justice
  • learning Eastern approaches to meditation and experiencing life as it really is in my body. And realizing that my chest hurts pretty much all the time. I never noticed that before
  • coming to terms with the enormous sense of unworthiness and shame I inherited from my past, my genes, and my religious upbringing
  • working puzzles: jigsaw, sudoku, crosswords, and seeing my husband take up each one with game devotion
  • realizing that I miss hockey in the summer
  • being surprised that the next little milestone is our two year anniversary and feeling incredibly fortunate to be in a relationship with a person whose only friction-producing qualities are actually good qualities that I’m just not in the mood to appreciate. I may not like walking for miles in circles looking for a city park, but when I think about it, I know that that part of Carl—the part that never gives up—is a quality in him that I love and would never want to change
  • watching the leaves turn and thinking about my 30s
  • going to the bookstore together and looking through stacks of new titles
  • noticing I have less to say in life than I thought I did but that even the things I want to say are harder to articulate than I thought they would be
  • obsessively watching our way through a murder mystery series
  • feeling less concerned with ambition and more concerned with life
  • jotting down notes for the next book I’m aching to write

Just stuff, you know? It’s been good.

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3 thoughts on “Lately

  1. Nice list, and I loved the picture, too. I’m guessing from CA? It makes me miss the Pacific.

    I’m very amused that Carl would walk in circles for miles looking for a park. That sounds exactly like me, and since we’re both INFJ’s, that makes sense.

  2. 🙂 I loved your “learning to say “I love you too” when I hang up after talking with friends” part. I don’t know whether I’ll be able to learn that 😉

    Your last three months sound pretty amazing! Many things happening in your life. Glad you’re doing so well!
    It was really nice to read you :-). I like you, Kathy!

  3. @Andrea: Yes! The picture is from CA. I keep thinking that I’m going to post our CA pictures somewhere, and then I keep remembering that Carl is planning to touch them up at some point, and then I keep realizing that another week has gone by and I’ve completely forgotten about it. Because I’m awesome like that.

    @Linda: Thanks!! I miss chatting with you—wish it was easier to keep up! Growing up I always thought saying “I love you” was a super personal thing—restricted just to parents/children or people in love. Now, I’m realizing how sad it is to censor the words, when I truly do love so many of my friends. Safe people make all the difference.

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